As a man, it is not easy for me to openly show my weakness, especially in front of my wife. I have always been the one who takes control of everything, and I have been good at doing that task for the past couple of years. But not until lately where I have been feeling a little strange. I am often anxious and irritated about small things, and that freaks me out. I was supposed to be a calm person, and I was sure to easily get rid of my negative feelings. But things are different now that my wife and I found out that her chances of getting pregnant are close to zero.
What I Know Vs. How I Genuinely Feel
I love my wife, and I will promise to love her forever. As much as possible, I do not want this infertility issue to become something that will ruin our ten years of marriage. I know for sure that I will not forgive myself if I lose my wife over the idea of having a child. I would still pick her over some unnecessary argument about wanting a baby. That is the truth. That is what I know. However, that is not exactly what I feel right now. And that is what makes this whole emotional and mental health issue so complicated to handle.
Of course, I am a little heartbroken that our chance of having a baby is almost near impossible. When I heard the doctor said that my wife’s chance of getting pregnant is one over 100, I was shocked, thinking that we both are physically healthy. Ever since we got married, we committed ourselves to be happy and healthy living. So knowing that she will suffer from plenty of complications when she gets pregnant was devastating to hear.
But honestly, I would love to have a child. And even before we got married, my wife and I talked about it a hundred times that we want to have a family. Therefore, every time I told her that it will be okay and that I don’t care about having kids anymore, she never believes me because she knew how much I wanted to have kids. That makes me feel guilty because, at some point, it felt like I was the cause of her insecurities.
The Basis Of Social Disconnection
Our most recent issue with this infertility problem is the detachment that we somehow unintentionally practice. It was not like we always wanted to isolate ourselves. We know there are other things out in the world that provide us with happiness. But my wife and I were so bound to this issue of “not having kids anymore” that we choose to shut down people. Honestly, I am fully aware of the damage this social disconnection can bring to our lives. But concerning my wife’s feelings, that is all I can do for now.
I went along with my wife’s idea to entirely keep other people away from us due to the toxicity they bring with their questions and all that. It is as if they were trying to flare up the pressure my wife and I had with this problem. This instance somehow led us to more trouble coping with infertility itself.
The Struggle In The Relationship
But the whole negative experience is not revolving limitedly around knowing about the infertility issue, but rather the truth that we have to deal with. My wife’s mental health and I were so unstable that it made our relationship suffer up until now. The primary dilemma was that we could not find the right reasons to work together through this whole situation. We even have a hard time agreeing to seek medical help because we both felt like this was a dead end.
Sometimes my wife and I argued over whether to pursue treatments or not because that alone creates uncertainty. There was no assurance that she will bear a child in just a couple of treatments or medications. Thus, that whole option seemed like a total waste of effort and money. We also considered going straight to adoption. But the process alone is exhausting and too overwhelming to handle.
At some point, my wife lost all the courage and motivation to work through this infertility issue. And even if she tried and said that she was okay and that she already accepted the complication and impossibility of having a child, what she was showing was different. She was never a happy person anymore, and that makes me feel so anxious and depressed. It came to a point where both of us somehow feel the need to let go of each other because of the pressure buildup inside the house. Unfortunately, we are still holding on and trying to move on for good.