My family had been described as “picture perfect” by friends and relatives one too many times. You see, my parents were not only lawyers who helped crime victims get justice; they often offered their services to less fortunate individuals, too. My twin sister and I were in our second year of residency at a hospital, and we both wanted to open a clinic. Best of all, we never had ugly fights with each other because Mom and my father taught us the value of family.
Despite that, it’s only an occurrence in our household. If you look at our extended family, you would see that we visited my father’s clan more than my mother’s. It’s not that my father insisted on that – it was Mom’s decision, frankly speaking.
The reason was that my mother did not approve of a lot of things that Pops (my grandfather) did in life. She was incredibly close to her mother and siblings, but her father was a much different story. Every time Mom had to see or talk to him, it typically felt forced and was very awkward.
In truth, watching their interaction used to confuse me when I was a child. Because of my closeness to my father, I assumed that all children and fathers had a close relationship. However, the more I got older, the more I realized what could strain people’s relationships: mental health challenges in fatherhood.
Allow me to share a few examples below how mental health can cause behavioral problems even for adults.
A Person May Decide To Follow Dad’s Footsteps
My grandfather had always wanted to live an easy life. Whenever he got money, you could only find him in the casino, betting on every game that could double or triple the amount he came in with. Though it was – and still is – too shameful to admit, Pops would even resort to extortion to continue his gambling habits. You can tell he has paternal postpartum depression or mental health issues, which clearly affect his overall mental health and well being.
Now, some of my uncles thought that their father managed to unlock the quickest way to gain financial success. During get-togethers, they would play poker from dusk until dawn with real money at stake. They also preferred to take part-time jobs alone to ensure that they had free hours to stay at the casino anytime.
Was this mindset effective, though? Did my Pops and uncles become rich? Of course not. Whoever told you that you didn’t need to work hard to earn well was crazy. And if you believe in their words and follow their footsteps, you turn out to be crazier than them.
Someone May Do Everything To Avoid Taking The Same Path That Their Father Took
If there were folks like my uncles, there were also people like Mom, who tried everything to avoid getting likened to her father. While Pops was technically the happy-go-lucky type, my mother said she knew the value of hard-earned money from childhood. After all, my grandmother had to pick up the slack and get two jobs when she was young as her father was too busy gambling. Living with such a reality made Mom determined to graduate, have a stable job, and marry a non-gambler.
In truth, my mother succeeded in avoiding the same life path that Pops took. The only significant failure that she could see was her inability to coax my grandfather to change or stop his gambling ways.
Dad’s Behavior Could Make Kids Resentful For Years
Mom had been going all out to pamper my grandmother for as long as I could remember. She opened a bank account just for Gran and gave her new bags and shoes every month. She also encouraged her to join community groups so that my grandmother could meet new people for support, like other moms and fathers, and enjoy her life. This will avoid falling into depression and anxiety and developing ill feelings towards her husband. Mom knew her dad’s mental health needed some help as he was showing depression and anxiety disorder symptoms when he can’t gamble. His symptoms of a mental illness or mental health condition seemed to get worse.
As for Pops, my mother only gave him gifts during Christmases and birthdays. Its frequency could easily have been the same as Gran’s, but Mom could not forget when my grandfather turned down the expensive shoes that she bought for him as his child. He went as far as saying, “I’d rather receive money than wear those shoes.” And, no, he never apologized for it.
While we all encouraged Mom to forgive and forget, we could not blame her for keeping resentful emotions for years. It wasn’t as if Pops made an effort to make it up to her. Thus, he could not ask my mother anymore to fund his mental health gambling habits. And I don’t think he took the initiative to talk to someone and learn more about possible treatment from his habits.
Final Thoughts
I know how some readers might ask, “Is this fiction? Can a father be THAT awful?”
Well, no, and yes. Research shows that you should understand that not everyone can be blessed with doting or responsible fathers, and not everyone can transition to fatherhood. Some do not bother to know their kids’ favorite toys; others leave before the baby arrives. My mother technically got lucky because Pops work a lot but was not an absentee father, but mental health issues such as gambling had already affected his mental health. As a result, his behavior had various effects at the same rate on his children’s mindsets and their ability for self care.
In case you have similar issues with your father as he may be one of the new fathers, try to be wise like Mom, and other mothers, and don’t follow his footsteps. If you can pull them back on the right track, that’s great! But if your father cannot be redeemed, recent research tells you to save yourself from the fatherhood doom and live well as his children.